Many couples I see daily come expressing their sadness and disappointment in losing the emotional and physical intimacy they once enjoyed. Life in general, as well as family, work, other commitments and unresolved issues can crowd in and take the focus.

It may seem simple but the first step in regaining the intimacy is to take time out where there will be no distractions, be vulnerable and sit facing each other and take time to speak one at a time and actively LISTEN  to what's going on in each other's world.  If as the listener you can 'mirror' back what you hear your partner say, it will show you are listening actively and present for them.

Be curious about your partner's world and show interest. Blaming, defensiveness and other ineffective behaviours need to be avoided if your partner is to feel emotionally safe.

When you show genuine interest in each other's struggles and demonstrate some thoughtfulness and empathy, and a willingness to support each other, you can expect to take a step closer to experiencing the intimacy you once enjoyed.  In general, people are looking for emotional safety if they are to begin downloading their private thoughts and feelings, they need to feel they will be listened to, understood and validated for their deepest needs, and certainly not ignored.  JAC

Fulfilling relationships require a balance of togetherness and time apart. i.e. Time as a couple and time as an individual. Time to nurture your relationship and have fun together and time to utilise the strengths within to grow yourself, stretch your development and  live out your purpose.
Embracing your differences, including your values, and accepting and respecting each others helps provide a healthy balance. JAC 

 A safe conversation begins by asking your spouse/partner 'is now a good time to talk?' before launching into what you want to say. This can make a big difference. It gives the other person a 'heads up' that you have something important to discuss, and you want their undivided attention.  It also shows that you are respectful of their time and not assuming that they are available on your time schedule.  If your partner says no, it's not a good time, accept that and ask for an appointment within 24 hours when he/she will  talk to you. B. Fontana Ph D

The space between you is actually where your relationship is with your mate & what you each bring to that space. Everything you say, the tone of voice, the body behaviour, the strained facial expressions. If you bring hostility & criticism, you can't expect a loving response. Sure, you may be frustrated, angry & reactive & before you know it, the space between you has become filled with tension & as a result you both disconnect from each other. This is normal for the majority of us as the reactive part of our brain goes into fight & flight mode. However we say & do hurtful things that we haven't always thought much about. Consider being conscious & intentional about bringing your best self to that space between, being mindful of how you can share your truth & feelings in a respectful way. There is a way to have a 'safe conversation' & expect a much better response which I will share with you next time.  JAC

Make 'moments of connection' special. Research shows that certain moments in your day, as a couple, do matter. These are: when you first wake, when you leave for work, when you return home and when you say goodnight.  Take the time to greet each other, hug, kiss, look at each other eye to eye or anything else that helps you two feel connected. 

'Some of the loneliest people are sitting across from each other in restaurants and at home.'
If you are feeling lonely in your marriage, it's a red flag that something is very wrong. Chances are your partner is also feeling lonely.  Try to talk with your partner about your feelings and what you both can do to make things better. ​Rick Hanson, PhD

Give your partner one appreciation every day.  So often people tell me they don't feel appreciated by their spouse. Tell your partner how much you appreciate something nice or thoughtful he/she did for you today.  Or, tell him/her something about their personality that you appreciate (like their sense of humour or their dependability.)  Appreciations help us feel emotionally safe with each other.
​B. Fontana. PhD

Sexual intimacy is an important part of a relationship.  If you find you are too busy or too tired for sex, planning a date for sex can help. It gives you something to look forward to and prepare for.
Take turns planning the date in whatever ways you both find romantic and sexual. B.Fontana PhD

We all have emotional needs, men included, but unless we know what they are, or what our partner's emotional needs are, then how can we best meet them?

Like I said in the previous post, if we are to nurture & take care of each other's emotional needs we need to be conscious about doing that, and willing to consistently meet these needs for each other. Otherwise the relationship can begin to feel disconnected bringing about feelings of sadness, disappointment, grief & loss of what once was. One or both may begin to feel less loved, valued, complete & fulfilled, and even taken for granted 
Some emotional needs can be:-

• ​Experiencing affection
• Desiring quality time to communicate what's going on for each other
• Experiencing sexual intimacy
• Needing honesty and openess
• Being supported financially
• Working together to complete the household chores
• Working together as a team in helping raise the children
• Being respected, affirmed, 
• Making time to enjoy recreational companionship together
• Sharing new adventures together
• Enjoying a spiritual union

When our emotional needs are being met we feel happier, more fulfilled and more emotionally connected. So asking each other what is important to each & being willing to meet those for each other consistently, not only will nurture, but protect and enrich our relationships. Whether we feel like meeting these needs or not, as we do, we can expect a positive response from our partner, and in return a sense of being appreciated & loved.

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